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Geese and Grenades

To Mister Fendall Burchard of Pinesbough Lane in Glasspond

Dear Mr. Burchard,

Thank you for your application for the position of Director of Concealed Defensive Measures at Fairedge Castle. It is my regret to inform you that we do not presently have such a position, nor does His Majesty King Danin find it appropriate to create a new title at this time.

Although King Danin was intrigued by your suggestion of using realistic goose decoys equipped with explosives to defend the castle moat, Queen Odelia fears that the decoys may attract a greater than usual number of living geese to the castle grounds. Goose droppings do no favors for silk shoes and the hemlines of royal garments.

You may wish to submit your application to King Roelde in Port Kerral. Their castle is presently without a Queen or any Princesses and they may not have the same qualms about soil from waterfowl on their grounds.

Mistress Amicia Morley
Head Steward to the Royal Household of Fairedge Castle

Fendall Burchard
Pinesbough Lane

Mr. Burchard,

King Roeld put your letter in my hands since as Captain of the Guard I’m in charge of defenses here at Port Kerral Hold.

Truth be told, duck decoys that explode on enemy troops when they cross the moat could be pretty effective. I think your plan needs more work, though. How do the decoys know who’s an enemy and who’s not? I can’t just have random explosions every time a real duck sees the decoy and tries to make friends. I don’t think the groundskeepers who clean the moat would much like it either.

You might try Sangerfeld Keep. I hear Queen Edyta has some right smart scientists on staff. Maybe they could help you improve your duck bombs.

C. Jorn Yerard
Captain of the Guard at Port Kerral Hold

Mister Fendall Burchard
Residing in Pinesborough Lane, Town of  Glasspond, Fairedge Province

Mr. Burchard,

I can’t imagine what possessed that lout Captain Yerard to recommend you to Sangerfeld Keep. I can’t think of any respectable royal court that would instate such a post as “Director of Concealed Defensive Measures.” The idea of incendiary artificial waterfowl is so absolutely ludicrous that I don’t even find it prudent to bring your petition before the eyes of the Queen.

I suggest you take your addle-brained notions to a province whose rulers have less sense. Perhaps that oaf King Ivo in Moorwind would be willing to accommodate your absurdity.

You have our utmost gratitude in advance for abstaining from future inquiries.

Prince Aurel , First Heir to House Enaris of Sangerfeld Keep
Under the authority of Her Great Excellence Queen Edyta of House Enaris, Second of her Name

Mr. Fendall Burchard
Pinesborough Lane, Glasspond, Fairedge

Dear Mr. Burchard,

I read your letter to King Ivo, but I’m afraid I must admit that we do not quite understand the nature of your request. I gather that you wish a position working on the castle defenses. However, from the rest of your message I can only suppose that Rianthan is not your native tongue and your ideas were poorly translated. Surely “autonomous detonating swan decoy” can’t be what you meant to say?

There is a foreign language expert on staff at Castle Quendale who can translate at least six different tongues. Perhaps he can help you explain your defensive plans more accurately.

Madame Tealla Linet
Secretary to King Ivo and Queen Kassia of Moorwind Province

Mr. Fendall Burchard at Pinesborough Lane, Glasspond, Province Fairedge

Dear Mr. Burchard,

I wish to congratulate you on your rare comedic talent. King Emmer found your piece on loon decoy moat missiles to be of great amusement. I do not believe anyone has seen His Majesty in such fits of mirth in at least a decade. I even detected a small smile trying to escape from the visage of Queen Sybilla.

Sadly, our post of Court Jester is not open. Gousk is nearly blind and his wits are failing, but he has served us for many years and it would be uncharitable to replace him at this time.

I am sure you are aware of the festival that will take place at Fairedge Castle in two months’ time to commemorate Queen Odelia’s birthday. They will be hiring a multitude of entertainers and performers. Perhaps you could try your luck there.

Yours in good humor,
Sir Belden Oshale, Scribe to King Emmer of Castle Quendale

P.S. The young Princess Frena wishes me to ask you if flamingoes might work as well as loons.


( 43 comments — Leave a comment )
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Mar. 31st, 2014 09:36 pm (UTC)
Hey - These fonts are super difficult to read. I understand that you're using it to imitate handwriting, however what might be a half-way point would be to have the body of the letters in regular old default font and then keep the signatures and title's in the script font - giving the impression they were hand signed.

Hoping I can come back and check this out properly because I enjoyed your piece last week!
Mar. 31st, 2014 09:57 pm (UTC)
Hey, thanks for the feedback. Is it all of the fonts, or just a couple in particular? I did try to choose ones that were fancy but still readable, but I think maybe the fact that I read a lot of letters in cursive skews my view of what counts as readable.
(no subject) - elledanger - Mar. 31st, 2014 10:00 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - violaconspiracy - Mar. 31st, 2014 10:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - elledanger - Mar. 31st, 2014 10:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - violaconspiracy - Mar. 31st, 2014 10:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - elledanger - Mar. 31st, 2014 10:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - violaconspiracy - Apr. 2nd, 2014 09:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - kickthehobbit - Mar. 31st, 2014 10:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
Mar. 31st, 2014 10:23 pm (UTC)
okay, now that the readability has been addressed—I really liked this, though I felt sorry for your would-be defense coordinator. :)
Mar. 31st, 2014 10:27 pm (UTC)
He'll be all right. He's an unsinkable sort of fellow. He's probably penning letters to the next country over as we speak.

Mar. 31st, 2014 11:34 pm (UTC)
Hee hee! Too funny. Poor Mr. Burchard. It's difficult not being taken seriously.
Apr. 1st, 2014 02:22 pm (UTC)
I don't think it's too terribly difficult for Mr. Burchard. I based him loosely on someone I met in college. He had all kinds of crazy ideas, and criticism just rolled off him like water off a raincoat. He was so utterly convinced of the genius in his ideas that he couldn't be swayed to give up on them.
Apr. 1st, 2014 02:10 pm (UTC)
Poor guy -- it can't be fun not being taken seriously.

Duck bombs! XD

I enjoyed this a lot. Good job!
Apr. 1st, 2014 02:24 pm (UTC)
Somewhere, there's bound to be a King or Queen who is just as silly as Mr. Burchard and would love to have their moat filled with incendiary waterfowl.
Apr. 2nd, 2014 03:00 am (UTC)
You know, I have a story about decoy ducks... <3 I loved this, especially told in epistolary style! As always, you are marvelous. I sing your praises.
Apr. 2nd, 2014 06:30 pm (UTC)
I REALLY don't recommend trying to feed the duck bombs.
Apr. 2nd, 2014 07:59 am (UTC)
Haha! I really enjoyed that.

It's like Chinese Whispers!
Apr. 2nd, 2014 06:31 pm (UTC)
I had to look up Chinese Whispers, and found that it's the same game as "telephone." Yes, it is rather like that, isn't it?
Apr. 2nd, 2014 12:37 pm (UTC)
I Lol-ed loud!...enjoyed reading this one..hilarious..well done!
Apr. 2nd, 2014 06:32 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm glad I gave you a laugh.
Apr. 2nd, 2014 01:18 pm (UTC)
I loved this! I hope Mr Burchard finds someone who'll be interested in his idea :)
Apr. 2nd, 2014 06:32 pm (UTC)
I suspect he will, eventually. Thanks!
Apr. 2nd, 2014 01:48 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, very creative. :D
Apr. 2nd, 2014 06:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!
Apr. 2nd, 2014 01:58 pm (UTC)
Persistence! Persistence and exploding waterfowl. Quite so!
Apr. 2nd, 2014 06:33 pm (UTC)
Persistence and exploding waterfowl may be the keys to success, but I'm not entirely sure which door they open. Thanks for reading!
Apr. 2nd, 2014 08:35 pm (UTC)
An original take on the prompt, very creative.
Apr. 2nd, 2014 09:54 pm (UTC)
Although it's a unique type of post this week, I can't claim originality. When I wrote it, I'd just finished reading "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society," which is a book entirely composed of letters. So letter-writing was stuck in my head. I'm glad you liked it!
Apr. 2nd, 2014 10:34 pm (UTC)
Duck bombs! :D

I liked how you'd done it in letter writing form.
Apr. 3rd, 2014 02:11 am (UTC)
Thank you! It's a fun style to experiment with.
Apr. 3rd, 2014 03:24 am (UTC)
Apr. 3rd, 2014 06:48 pm (UTC)
:-) Glad my writing tickled you!
N Gail Beil
Apr. 3rd, 2014 04:49 pm (UTC)
The letter format appeals to me (can't explain it - always has). Would love to see a whole line of these (written to the same gent, of course).
Apr. 3rd, 2014 06:49 pm (UTC)
I'm sure it could probably develop into a larger story, but I'm not sure I could keep the whole thing in epistolary style. Maybe start each chapter with a letter.
Thanks for reading!
Apr. 3rd, 2014 07:25 pm (UTC)
This was quite amusing to read! Well done!

(I don't think I have a duck, loon, or flamingo icon, so a Puffin will have to suffice).
Apr. 4th, 2014 01:46 am (UTC)
Puffins! Thanks for adding another to my list. I was trying to think of as many waterfowl as I could, in case I want to expand this piece at some point.
(no subject) - roina_arwen - Apr. 4th, 2014 03:52 am (UTC) - Expand
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( 43 comments — Leave a comment )