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Geese and Grenades

To Mister Fendall Burchard of Pinesbough Lane in Glasspond

Dear Mr. Burchard,

Thank you for your application for the position of Director of Concealed Defensive Measures at Fairedge Castle. It is my regret to inform you that we do not presently have such a position, nor does His Majesty King Danin find it appropriate to create a new title at this time.

Although King Danin was intrigued by your suggestion of using realistic goose decoys equipped with explosives to defend the castle moat, Queen Odelia fears that the decoys may attract a greater than usual number of living geese to the castle grounds. Goose droppings do no favors for silk shoes and the hemlines of royal garments.

You may wish to submit your application to King Roelde in Port Kerral. Their castle is presently without a Queen or any Princesses and they may not have the same qualms about soil from waterfowl on their grounds.

Mistress Amicia Morley
Head Steward to the Royal Household of Fairedge Castle

Fendall Burchard
Pinesbough Lane

Mr. Burchard,

King Roeld put your letter in my hands since as Captain of the Guard I’m in charge of defenses here at Port Kerral Hold.

Truth be told, duck decoys that explode on enemy troops when they cross the moat could be pretty effective. I think your plan needs more work, though. How do the decoys know who’s an enemy and who’s not? I can’t just have random explosions every time a real duck sees the decoy and tries to make friends. I don’t think the groundskeepers who clean the moat would much like it either.

You might try Sangerfeld Keep. I hear Queen Edyta has some right smart scientists on staff. Maybe they could help you improve your duck bombs.

C. Jorn Yerard
Captain of the Guard at Port Kerral Hold

Mister Fendall Burchard
Residing in Pinesborough Lane, Town of  Glasspond, Fairedge Province

Mr. Burchard,

I can’t imagine what possessed that lout Captain Yerard to recommend you to Sangerfeld Keep. I can’t think of any respectable royal court that would instate such a post as “Director of Concealed Defensive Measures.” The idea of incendiary artificial waterfowl is so absolutely ludicrous that I don’t even find it prudent to bring your petition before the eyes of the Queen.

I suggest you take your addle-brained notions to a province whose rulers have less sense. Perhaps that oaf King Ivo in Moorwind would be willing to accommodate your absurdity.

You have our utmost gratitude in advance for abstaining from future inquiries.

Prince Aurel , First Heir to House Enaris of Sangerfeld Keep
Under the authority of Her Great Excellence Queen Edyta of House Enaris, Second of her Name

Mr. Fendall Burchard
Pinesborough Lane, Glasspond, Fairedge

Dear Mr. Burchard,

I read your letter to King Ivo, but I’m afraid I must admit that we do not quite understand the nature of your request. I gather that you wish a position working on the castle defenses. However, from the rest of your message I can only suppose that Rianthan is not your native tongue and your ideas were poorly translated. Surely “autonomous detonating swan decoy” can’t be what you meant to say?

There is a foreign language expert on staff at Castle Quendale who can translate at least six different tongues. Perhaps he can help you explain your defensive plans more accurately.

Madame Tealla Linet
Secretary to King Ivo and Queen Kassia of Moorwind Province

Mr. Fendall Burchard at Pinesborough Lane, Glasspond, Province Fairedge

Dear Mr. Burchard,

I wish to congratulate you on your rare comedic talent. King Emmer found your piece on loon decoy moat missiles to be of great amusement. I do not believe anyone has seen His Majesty in such fits of mirth in at least a decade. I even detected a small smile trying to escape from the visage of Queen Sybilla.

Sadly, our post of Court Jester is not open. Gousk is nearly blind and his wits are failing, but he has served us for many years and it would be uncharitable to replace him at this time.

I am sure you are aware of the festival that will take place at Fairedge Castle in two months’ time to commemorate Queen Odelia’s birthday. They will be hiring a multitude of entertainers and performers. Perhaps you could try your luck there.

Yours in good humor,
Sir Belden Oshale, Scribe to King Emmer of Castle Quendale

P.S. The young Princess Frena wishes me to ask you if flamingoes might work as well as loons.


Mar. 31st, 2014 09:36 pm (UTC)
Hey - These fonts are super difficult to read. I understand that you're using it to imitate handwriting, however what might be a half-way point would be to have the body of the letters in regular old default font and then keep the signatures and title's in the script font - giving the impression they were hand signed.

Hoping I can come back and check this out properly because I enjoyed your piece last week!
Mar. 31st, 2014 09:57 pm (UTC)
Hey, thanks for the feedback. Is it all of the fonts, or just a couple in particular? I did try to choose ones that were fancy but still readable, but I think maybe the fact that I read a lot of letters in cursive skews my view of what counts as readable.
Mar. 31st, 2014 10:00 pm (UTC)
Hey no worries - It's all the fonts for me; there was one (maybe the second one) that was marginally more legible (quite boxy in style) but would need to be a larger font size to be easily legible.
Mar. 31st, 2014 10:12 pm (UTC)
I just tried what you suggested, but the main font is still a wee bit fancy. Is it readable, or do I need to go plainer still (or larger)?
Mar. 31st, 2014 10:16 pm (UTC)
That is definitely better. I would suggest going up in size by one more .pt just for added clarity, but I that font is easier on the eyes.
Mar. 31st, 2014 10:25 pm (UTC)
I changed it one bigger. Hopefully everyone will be able to read it now. Thanks for helping me out!
Mar. 31st, 2014 10:28 pm (UTC)
Ahhh, that's much better! And what a lovely set of letters - I'm particularly fond of the one where they're hoping it's a bad translation.
Apr. 2nd, 2014 09:56 pm (UTC)
I got that idea from reading some papers my husband was grading a few weeks ago. There was one where I just couldn't get what the kid was trying to say, and I wondered if they'd maybe typed it up in a different language and then used Google Translate to put it in English. It just didn't make sense.
Mar. 31st, 2014 10:16 pm (UTC)
I have to agree that it's all of the fonts, here—I copy-pasted into Notepad to be able to read it.